The Raccoon Relief Act
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Sean of the South
Sean Dietrich
With everything going on in the world, with all the wars, international conflicts and high-stakes political maneuvers, I’m sure you’re all anxious to hear about what’s going on with the problem of legalized raccoon ownership in Tennessee.
Well, actually, a lot is happening. In the Sixteenth State, a new proposed legislation, sponsored by Sen. Joey Hensley (R-Hohenwald) and Rep. Kip Capley (R-Summertown), would lift the permit fee currently required to own a pet raccoon.
Finally.
Personally, I can sleep better knowing that Tennessee’s lawmakers are FINALLY putting the people first.
Especially since Tennessee is one of the fastest growing states in the nation, with inflation hitting harder than most states. In the last five years, inflation has driven the cost of Tennessee housing up by $100 per month. In some regions it’s closer to $400. And that number is only growing.
Moreover, 87 percent of Tennesseans say their wages do not keep up with the cost of living. Almost 789,000 Tennesseans admit difficulty just maintaining proper housing and food security.
So the raccoon bill comes at just the right time. The pressing problem of raccoon pet ownership has been ratified.
I’m proud to say that as long as your raccoon was obtained from a legal source, has been vaccinated, is non-native to Tennessee, was not captured in the wild, and has a current possession permit issued by the Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency, you’re good to go.
There are some other great laws in our nation worth mentioning.
Foremostly, there is the pickle law in Connecticut. This is real. State lawmakers banned soggy pickles by passing a law which reads, “a brined cucumber cannot officially be called a pickle unless it bounces.”
This law was passed in 1948 after two pickle packers were arrested for packing expired pickles to the general public. A laboratory test was developed involving dropping pickles from a height of 12 inches. If the pickles don’t bounce, said pickles are termed “illegal.”
I do not know what happens to illegal pickles after they are rejected. I can only pray the pickle packers process prohibited pickles practically, proactively, peaceably, and proficiently.
In Indiana lawmakers are cracking down on the bingo scene. A new bill now prohibits establishments from hosting bingo more than three nights a week, as well as strictly prohibiting consecutive bingo nights. This was, evidently, a huge problem in Indiana, people going on four-night bingo benders. Thankfully, your lawmakers are hard at work.
Utah has a law which bans whale hunting.
In Gainsville, Georgia, it is illegal to eat fried chicken with anything but your hands. Officials actually arrested a woman in the 1960s for using a fork to eat her fried chicken.
I, for one, support this law.
In Rockville, Maryland, it is a misdemeanor to swear while driving. My wife could never live there.
In Arizona, it is illegal for a donkey to sleep in your bathtub after 7 p.m. This law dates back to a ‘20s flood when a local donkey, who slept in a bathtub, was washed away. The donkey and tub were found floating upon floodwaters and required a huge, expensive rescue effort. The donkey and tub were unharmed.
In Michigan, it is illegal to tie a crocodile or alligator to a fire hydrant. Other reptiles are okay.
So anyway, as you prepare to face your day, as the worries of this world start to weigh upon you, don’t worry too much about international maneuvers or high-stakes politics. Just try to be as real as you can, keep your chin up, be kind, and love your neighbor.
You can always count on me. I love you. And so does your legal, non-native, fully-vaccinated pet raccoon.
