The marriage crisis
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Sean of the South
Sean Dietrich
Marriages are down 60 percent since the ‘70s. Divorce rates are soaring. And the “New York Times” reported that more 40-year-olds are choosing to live alone than ever before.
Another recent survey of U.S. high-schoolers showed that the percentage of twelfth graders who have ever dated has fallen 85 percent since the ‘80s. It has fallen another 50 percent within just the LAST FIVE YEARS.
What the heck is going on? Why aren’t people dating, or getting married? What’s to blame? I can’t answer that; I’m too busy scrolling my phone right now.
Nevertheless, one marital expert chimes in.
“The problem is risk. People want guarantees these days. We are a nation of consumers, and consumers require return policies. We need guarantees.”
Another psychologist has a different assessment. “It’s helicopter parenting that’s killing marriage. How can a 20-year-old decide to get married when they haven’t ever built a fort in the woods or ever played House?”
Well, I decided to approach the marriage crisis by asking random people to give their opinions and advice on the institution of matrimony.
Gary and Delores have been married for 54 years. Gary says: “My 38-year-old son has never been married. Recently he asked what it’s like to be married, so I told him to ‘LEAVE ME ALONE!’ When he did, I asked why he was ignoring me.”
Simon and Anne have been married 62 years. They were married the same year Kennedy was shot. “Marriage is simple. You can either be happy or you can be right. But you can’t be both. Too many people want to be both.”
Lydia and Eddie, 48 years: “Nobody tells you that you don’t fall in love before you’re married. It takes years and years to fall in love. A little more every day.”
Pearl and Jacob say: “People don’t realize that you actually can survive on love. They’ve been told otherwise.”
Dan and Kristie say: “In marriage, don’t use ‘absolutes’ such as, ‘You never,’ or ‘You always.’ They never work, and you always end up sounding like an absolute idiot.”
Karen and Dale, 41 years: “I once gave my wife the silent treatment for a week, and at the end of the week she said, ‘Hey, we’re getting along pretty good, lately, aren’t we?’”
Kevin and Rachel: “Don’t ever point out your husband’s weaknesses during an argument. Wait until the next morning.”
Ron and Tiffany, 32 years. “I told my nephew that I haven’t spoken to my wife in 20 years, and that’s why our marriage worked. My nephew said, ‘Why haven’t you spoken to her?’ I told him ‘Because she hasn’t stopped talking.’”
Ella and Charles, 59 years: Ella says, “I always tell my married daughters, ‘Remember that the grass is always greener over the septic tank.”
Peter and Catherine, 56 years. “I told my husband that I had a dream he’d given me a diamond bracelet for our 30th anniversary. He smiled and said, ‘Wait until tonight, and you’ll see.’ That night, he gave me a book called ‘Interpreting Your Dreams.’”
Sylvia and Tyler. “If your mom is laughing at your dad’s jokes, it means there are guests in your house.”
Sarah and Greg, 49 years: “When we got married it was for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse.”
Gina and Todd, 55 years: “If you ever think that women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.”
Sandra and Thomas, 62 years. “If you’re not laughing together, you’re not really married.”
Rhonda and Brian, 55 years: “If you ever start to think you’ve got marriage figured out, just ask your wife if that’s true.”
Dori and Andrew, 58 years: “A good husband is someone who, after taking out the trash, acts like he cleaned the whole house.”
After all my research, I have come to this conclusion. Marriage has no guarantees; if it’s guarantees you’re looking for, marry a set of Craftsman socket wrenches.
